My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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