I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
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