Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
