omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
should my penis look like a turkey
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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