her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Drake has all the answers
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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