i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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