u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
