My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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