Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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