And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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