I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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