How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
