new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
