The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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