Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
