my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
