I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
