When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
