Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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