I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
