yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
