Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
