I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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