On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
