I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
