I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
