i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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