Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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