Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
