Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
