I wish I only lived at night.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
