Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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