I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
