Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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