I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
