I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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