I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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