i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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