you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
