i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
