I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.