She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.