I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...