You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
