So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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