just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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