I am in a vortex of obligation.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
