My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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