I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
