Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
