Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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