i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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