Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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