Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
