Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
