Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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