I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
