I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's shark week go big or go home
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
