Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
