Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
