I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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