I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
