Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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